Mum to tell you that you have always been there for me would be to remind you of a truth that you and I well know. You have been there guiding, supporting and nurturing me consistently from my first breath and that is why it was so inconceivable for me to imagine a world where you were not for the first time this year.
Just the thought of such a world sent me to a dark place. A place where I had to bring my own light instead of looking to the one you have constantly held up for me. For you have been the light in my life. All those times you tried to push me forward when I held myself back. I was too afraid to shine and I wish I had taken some courage from you back then. For you have been courageous. There have been decisions you made that I couldn’t understand but if there is one thing that I have learnt about you is that you forever march to your own drum and I wouldn’t never change that about you.
So for all those times I rolled my eyes when you were showing me off to every random stranger. Because you were proud and for some reason I couldn’t find the same pride reflected in myself. Thank you.
This year, even breast cancer couldn’t make you conform to this world around us. Seeing you in the hospital you looked so small and I thought, as I think more and more these days, how vulnerable you were. I wanted to roll you up in bubble wrap and keep you safe. Is this how you felt when you first saw me? As much as I love you and could not bear to see you leave my side, I never had the heart in me to make you feel guilty about your unconventional approach. Everything you have made in this life, all the good and even the bad, has come because you followed your own truth mum. You are truly beautiful.
Thank you for having me. For nurturing me. For loving me.
You are forever imprinted in my heart.