1. Always be yourself: yes, it is true, you should never try to be someone you’re not and that is a truth I take in earnest when it comes to the dating world. Even though myself is slightly very geeky, slightly arrogant and painfully sarcastic, I nevertheless use this as my opening offer personality in the world of dating…I’m currently single.
2. Don’t flirt: flirting is an absolute no-no in unsuccessful dating. You should always aim to steer away from any sexual undercurrents in your conversations, how else will you be sure if they like you for you? Do this even at the risk of seeming prudish, frigid, and lacking a sense of humour.
3. Never show humility: why would you want to give the impression that you are a nice person who acknowledges that everyone is human, in other words, not perfect. It is imperative to go to extreme lengths to protect your perfect persona even if this undermines tip 1.
4. Lay your cards on the table: Complete transparency is important when you meet a new romantic candidate. It removes any sense of mystery which might add to your allure, and cuts the getting to know each other process in half. It also tells the person that you are not a game-player, even if game-playing is fun, there are essentially no winners.
I have recently come to the realisation that I am the anti-dating guru. Everything that I sincerely believe about dating – i.e those points previously addressed – has left me questioning whether I know anything at all. At 22 years old I should be in the prime of my life, I will never again possess such a tremendous combination of feminine prowess and girlish innocence, and yet whilst confined in the bloom of my years I have not mastered a way to channel these mythical powers. I have however, succeeded in pushing any potential suitor away; I am consistently, and persistently, a reluctant Juliet. I once found myself on a date by refusing to acknowledge that it was such an arrangement. The suitor took me to a Muay Thai gymand as one who has always been in awe of martial arts, I enjoyed myself immensely. After an hour and half sweating, punching and kicking, Mr Suitor decided it would be a nice touch for us both to get in the ring; a bit of rough-and-tumble if you will. Bearing in mind I’m rather competitive, boisterous, and know how to throw a punch, is it surprising that the romantic tussle he had envisaged ended with me landing two punches to his face? That was the last time I saw Mr Suitor. For the record he did message me, I guess it took my willingness to punch him for me to realise I was just not that into him.
Now Mr Guy I was into. So into in fact, that I forgot all the tricks that come instinctively to me when I want to ward off unwanted prey. Needless to say I did not leave a customary 2 days to reply to his messages, the likes of which had been applied to Mr Suitor, because in my mind it made sense to be prompt when you like somebody. I also found the need to be right, or appear clever, to be very important to me; I corrected him on the etymology of the word karaoke – by the way karaoke is a Japanese word, it comes from kara meaning empty and okesutora meaning orchestra – at risk of revealing my true geek colours too soon. And I managed to misinterpret him on more than one occasion because I was too proud to admit I didn’t know what HAM stood for (for all those equally ignorant of this acronym it means Hard As a Motherfucker, not as I guessed, Amsterdam. When I was 12 I did call it Hamsterdam so it came as the only logical answer).
Mr Guy soon lost interest in our short-lived textation, and whilst I did spend the first 3 days of silence berating myself for not trying to be a more easy-going, coy, and uncomplicated human being, I soon smiled to myself as the energy I would have to spend trying to hide my inner freak would be exhausting. Plus I honestly wouldn’t want to be any different.
ps. When asked the dreaded question, “So why are you single?” I’ve found the answer, “There are worse tragedies in life” to be a tad on the heavy side.
The awkward turtle 